I'm writing this because... I well felt like it. =P And it will continue! Keep tuned!
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Teenage Mutant Samurai Squirrels
Part 1 of many parts.

The art of the sword. A symbol of honor, skill, and ineffable aptitude. It was preserved through the samurai in Japan to be passed on through later generations. For hundreds of years it was the only way of life many knew, and its path was one of respect. When it fell much of it was forgotten… however… the ancient art reemerged without notice one year… Virtue was reborn in the hands of four…



Dan sat at the controls, half asleep with a box of donuts to his rights… His attention was absent minded, as he paid no attention to the position of his foot that laid directly on a lever that control the power of the plant in which he operated. If he were caught in such a lazy setting he’d certainly lose his job, especially with the carelessness he exerted…

Suddenly a door slammed opened… It was Bob the snitch. Dan slipped in fear of losing his job as he heard the massive sound. His foot had slipped and the lever fell off. The little energizer bunny that ran the plant escaped its cage then and suddenly a red light turned on.

“Oooooh…” Bob said, “I’m telling.”

“Relax,” Dan began, “Those red light mean it’s time to par-tay.”

“Um… No… I think they mean it’s time to get the hell out of here.”

“No, no. You see, I even have donuts for this occasion.”

“Donuts?” Bob questioned doubtfully. He thought for a moment… Then another moment. And a moment after. He took a third moment to finish off all the moments of thinking he’d taken time to think in of those moments. The English in that sentence was horrible… but anyways, Bob ignored that and continued to speak with the thought he’d conjured in those moments, “If you have donuts then it must be time to party.”

The two ate donuts and blasted trance music as the red lights flashed on and off. But it ended when a calm feminine voice spoke loudly throughout the PA. It said a few words before it shut off, “Your time to get the hell out of here has ended. Thank you for working at A.S.S Industries of Power and Supply. We will now blow you the hell up. Once again, thank you.”

“Ah shi-“ But Bob was stopped ass a massive explosion covered the power plant… The two workers died… And A.S.S Industries was destroyed without a trace is a T.V show… All that remained was the radiation of the plant surrounding the area, particularly on a pile of coincidentally set up radioactive acorns… 53 to be exact…

Around the area were four squirrels. They happily took the pile a feast. 3 of them ate one acorn while one of them saved 50 for himself. He ate all of them… In minutes a violent transformation began. Guts began flying everywhere… The guts of Bob and Dan! Their heads rolled all around and their organs twisted around trees like worms. They split on impact with some things as if being split by a knife… Then… Finally… The transformation ended. The squirrels had been mutated through a violence completely unrelated to their mutation of mutating.

Only one squirrel suffered any physical change… The one who ate 50 acorns. He became… green! Oh the horror. He was green. He had no defections or issues, but he was green! In fact, he had more abilities then the other squirrels were capable of having… But the horror of being green! Oh the horror!

“I’m… I’m… I’m… I’m… I’m… I’m green!” The oh so green green squirrel so greenly said in such perfectly green English.

“Yeah… you’re green… But we can talk… And I have no idea what talking was until I ate that acorn. In fact, I didn’t have to learn anything.” Said one of the squirrels, a dark gray in color.

“That you can…” The voice came from behind a tree… The only tree in the area for miles. Out from behind walked a mouse, scarred with thousands of splinters, with a twig that would appear to be a really lousy cane, “There is much you are destined for.”

“Destined for? What do you mean?” Asked a light gray squirrel.

“Mmm… I have no idea what I’m talking about. It’s just a cliché thing a master is supposed to say so I say it.” The wise mouse looked forward at the four squirrels, “I am Master Ihaveasplinter… and you four need names because I can’t just call you by color. That’d be stupid… Well I suppose I could… but it’d be stupid.”

“Oh! Me first! Me first! Me first!”

“Alright green one… You shall be Jean… Like Jean Simmons from KISS. It’s cool like that, right? Yo? G? Homie? Corn dawg? Yeah. Alrightee-cheerio.”

“Sweet I’m Jean!”

“And you, dark gray squirrel guy shall be James, named after James Hetfield of Metallica.”

James just looked away for a bit… Letting the master continue.

“You, light gray one shall be Kurt. Named after Kurt Cobain of Nirvana.”

“That’s cool!” Said Kurt.

“Finally… You black squirrel shall be Ozzy. Named after the legendary Ozzy Osbourne!!!”

“Sweet…” There was no enthusiasm in this one’s voice. He said it lamely, not because he didn’t care, but because everything he said was said lamely. Lame as a cow. Lame a howl. Lame as a bad set up crime. Lame as this rhyme.

“Wait, wait, wait, wait a second there!” James screeched with fury, “Why do I have to be James? Jean, Kurt, Ozzy. Now those aren’t everyday names. James is. Hell, Jim is a variant of James. So why the Hell do I have to be James?”

“Because… You are… like… a… weird… hickey…” Replied the master.

“Wha?”

“But that’s enough of this… It’s time you learned what your true purpose was. Your purpose as samurai.”

“Samurai?” Asked Kurt, “like-“

“Yes. Like like. Just like like. You are absolutely right like like. It’s like like like like. Of course it’s more then like like, there is honor in it, and candy. But mostly it’s like like. You must the learn the way, before your destiny can unfold.”

Nice writing style, pretty unique.

but theres nothing I can really say past that cuz umm...wow. Awesome in a way that has no words.

wow thats really great start sae

mind if i make a theme song for it j/k

would have been cool.... 1-2-3-4 Squirrels!

... Will they hord nuts? And if they decide to use their samurai powers for evil, just once, make sure they grab enough Wii's for all the people who don't have one, ... or atleast me. J/k, ... or am I? Naw anywho I like it, some grammer, ... or is it grammar, and spelling errors but other than that it's supressed laughter funny.

Haha... Thanks. Usually I go back and check the grammar and spelling to make sure I didn't make mistakes but I didn't. There wasn't too much on the spelling side, it was more that I left out letters in words. =/

'Tis truly what I ment, y'know, drinking coffe shakes can help you stay focused for that extra boost of unforgetfullness.

I think I'll work on the next part ina couple of minutes or tomorrow. I've been meaning to rewrite this whole series... for about 3 years actually. =/

You've had this sereis in your brain for tree ears :blink: !?!

Yeah. I wrote it as a 6th grade writing project but I liked it so I wanted to rewrite it as a bigger series.

So, your in 9^th grade now? Anywho that's off topic, ... MORE SQUIRRELS NOW!!

btw.. I can't say this is an example of my best writing. =/ If I put forth more effort it would detain the humor.

What if you emphasized your skill on humor?

When is the next one coming im waiting for too long here D:

I badger thee, pray thee, giveth us more squirrels, or giveth us thine head, the choice is thine.

Amusing, I find it pretty awesome that you named them after 4 great rock bands. Much better than those other guys who were named after painters... But just our of curiosity what's the main villian going to be? a leaf blower with a bad attitude? The rabid axe-man? or perchance Chainsaw charlie?

Tim 'The Tool Man' Tailor!! Naw, I don't know, I just accepted it as a later issue knowificationy thing.

You'll see by part 3 or 4 of this first chapter. :B):


Anyways, I've written part 2 and so you shall have it.

Teenage Mutant Samurai Squirrels
Part 2 of Many Parts

“My sons you learn quickly.” The wise mouse spoke in his raspy voice.

“We’re not your sons.” Interrupted James.

“Of course you aren’t. You aren’t related to me in any way. Hell, you’re a totally different species. But that’s not the point. The point is that you’re not my son.”

“Didn’t he just –“, the master stopped Kurt again.

“Yes, but that is of no importance. Though you share no biological connection to me, it is cliché for a master to call his student his son. I am very well a cliché character.”

The master stared at the four squirrels in pride, and disgust, but mostly pride. They had completed their training, a training that goes not described and that happened in between the parts. These samurai were worthy of their weapons now.

“You have made me proud the past 5 minutes of training. You are now honorary samurai, it’s time you received your weapons… all made of acorns.” The master pulled from his back a bag. The bag was rather large in size and seemed to be made of a clear material, most definitely plastic. On one side in big letter it spelled ‘Wal-Mart.’ The bag was rather large for small weapons they’d be using, it was even bigger then all the animals, “First, the sword master shall be you Kurt. Carrying these cheap acorn blade I bought from the critter black market you are like a leader to this clan.”

Kurt took the blades. His eyes began to sparkle with honor. He was privileged to be like a leader, “It honors me-“

“Next,” The master completely ignored Kurt and went on, “Ozzy. You are a great warrior you have done greatly with the naginata. That’s why you must take it, even though no one even knows what that weapon is.” The master looked to pull one out, but his face seemed puzzled… It turned from a blank expression to a field of anger, “This can’t be!”

“What master!?” Jean asked.

“My pie… It’s missing… and that cheap bi-“

“Hey! Let’s keep this story a little clean, alright?” James asked.

“You’re so stupid. I was going to say that cheap bishop ripped me off. He gave me four pairs of swords instead of other weapons. Well… here you all go. Now go poke each others eyes out.”

With that, the squirrels were finally official honorary privileged cool awesome terrific indescribable masterful samurai. Little did they know, a new evil was just on the horizon. That mouse, Master Ihaveasplinter, caused great problems years ago. Revenge was in the eyes as they began to move…

“Have you found his location yet?” Asked a masked figure.

“Not yet, their location hasn’t been exactly written into the story yet so there’s no way of knowing where they are. In fact, I don’t know where we are. It looks like a high-tech room full of many accessories, torture devices, a toy box, and no lighting though.”

“That’s precisely what it is. But we’re not looking for where we are. We’re looking for where the mouse is. The one who caused me this,” He lifted his mask and showed an over exaggerated pale face looking at his subordinate, “, permanent wound.”

“I see… put the mask on! I’m still growing up. Please sir, please!”

“Find me the mouse’s location then. He must pay for what he did.”

“Yes sir, sir yes sir, right on it, alright, gonna do this, aye aye captain, aight, k, sir.”

Yes, the evil was more sinister then anything. So evil that it made evil itself fall back on its bum in fear. How could something so evil exist? I have no clue. But the squirrels are in the middle of a great conflict, something described by the ancient legends that don’t really exist. This battle would be very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, hardcore to the max.

72 Very's!!?!??! I can't wait for the hardcoreness, and since I can't wait: NEW CHAPTER NOW!! j/k, ... or am I?

hmmm i wonder where I am >.>

I made another, enjoy the awesome battle of ownageness.

Teenage Mutant Samurai Squirrels
Part 3 of many parts.

The attack came unsuspected.

“What attack?” Jean asked, “There hasn’t been an attack yet.”

That was exactly why, because the characters were ignorant to pay attention to the narrator’s words, and the narrator could make things randomly appear in the scene no matter what, even if the enemy really didn’t know where they were.

“Now seriously…” James said in disbelief, “Shut up.”

As soon as he said that, the forces of evil had arrived, surrounding the area in an instant. Master Ihaveasplinter had left previous to their arrival to do go work on some ‘business.’ Silly rabbit, Trix are for kids. These henchmen of the oh so evil lord should have known this, but they didn’t. They didn’t know how these squirrels had been trained for a maximum of five minutes in the art of the samurai. Of course there was no advantage with only five minutes of training, but nonetheless the henchmen didn’t know.

“Where is the mouse?” Asked the one who seemed to be the leader of the group, “Tell us and we may spare your squirrelly lives.”

“Sir… What have you been smoking? They’re just squirrels.” Ridiculed another.

“You think? No, take a look. One is green. These squirrels are special and undoubtfully came in contact with that mouse. In this world, coincidences mean that everything intertwines together.” He looked away from his underling and looked toward the squirrels again, “My master wants to know. Sooooo I ask again, where is the fudging mouse?”

“I don’t know of a fudging mouse.” Replied Jean, “I wish I did, then I could eat it.”

James slapped himself at Jean’s stupidity. Morons surrounded him.

“You think your funny? Then I’ll just have to give you a comedy show. But that can be later.”

“Are you serious?”

“No. Now tell me, where is the mouse?”

“I don’t know of a fudging mouse. Get off my back.” Jean started to become furious. These people thought he knew where a fudging mouse was, but he really knew nothing of a fudging mouse. It was so ridiculous.

“Then you… will… die!!!” An over exaggerated laughter followed the cliché words with the most predictable order for his men to attack, “Staplemen! Attack!”

The men flipped over him as he dramatically walked away in another predictable fashion. In fact, he was the most predictable evil ever.

“Soooo…” Jean began, “What’d we do wrong?”

“I think they wanted-“

“No Kurt, shut up. No body likes you. Jean, they wanted to know where the master is! You dumb ass, if we would of told them we could have avoided this.” James argued back.

“No time to argue now…” Ozzy’s lame voice spoke, “We have to kill these dsjfahkfh…” The last word couldn’t be understood because he mumbled it and it was just so lame…

But the fight did commence, and it was a brutal one. Organs flew from bodies as they were cut open and heads began to roll on the ground creating pools of blood. It was a site of absolute horror, something that could only be described with these words because any more description would cause someone to die in fear, and immense laughter.

The samurai drew their cheap acorn blades and moved their arms up to position. A Stapleman jumped forward with his arm and began rapidly firing staples at Kurt. Five minutes of training wasn’t enough to teach him how to deflect staples, so Kurt was stapled to the ground, one side of the giant metallic projectile piercing a vital in him.

Two Staplemen gathered around Ozzy and sandwiched him between staplers. The staples created a cross in him as one was sent vertical and the other on the horizon. Ozzy feel with the crimson tears flooding from his pours. Only James and Jean remained, back-to-back, their faces focused on the plain of battle.

“Let’s do this.” James said.

“Do what?” Asked Jean, “You never make any sense. Why doesn’t anyone ever make sense? What is wrong with people, they need to make sense damn it. So make sense already. If they made sense it’d be easier for me. MakesomesenseanddomeonebigfavorineedsomesensebecausesensemakesmesanebutwithoutsenseI’mnotsane… Grahhhhhhhhh!!!”

At the instant, Jean was stapled to James… Idiot… The squirrels had lost in less then 2 minutes. So sad. This would make anyone shake his or her head. There they lay, all bleeding on the ground, now tied up from the Staplemen, as if their bleeding wounds weren’t enough.

“Now tell us squirrels. Where is the mouse?”
“We won’t tell you!” James answered in his usual pissed off tone.

“Now, now James. You said if we told them we could get out of this.” Jean replied with his eyes close.

“No you moron, that’s before we’re tied up.”

“No, you clearly said if we told them we could get out of this.”

“Not like that.”

“Yes.”

“No.”

“Yes.”

“No.”

“He went to take care of some business ok. He didn’t say what, only that it’s at a mall nearby.”

“The reconnaissance force? He’s trying to prevent us from finding him already. Foolish mouse… He will be taken care of.” With that, the Staplemen left, heading to capture Master Ihaveasplinter.

“Jean… I hate you…” James said annoyed.

“Thanks, the hearts are all around me too.” Jean replied with a faint smile.

“Guys, this is no time-“

“Kurt, shut up!” All three squirrels said at once.

So the squirrels were tied up… How will they get out? Well… In a weird way that makes no sense. This story doesn’t make sense though, so that’s all that matters. Nothing can make sense in it.