I have always wanted to be an author. I had this awesome idea for story which I've been working on for a good 4-5 years now. I've been asking people what they think of it so I'm asking for your help in making this better!

The story revolves around the life and (Mis)adventures of Lynx Amali and his friends. But that's not all that the story's about. Lynx is a descendant of an ancient people. He wields many mysterious and unexplainable abilities.

One of these abilities is his unique power that allows him to conjure up a 2 billion year old Phoenix (Hence the Title) His friends share this ability.(Just not with the phoenix)

The story takes place in the world of Terra (Greek for Earth..I think) in the Terra Year 44. The whole premise of the world of Terra is due to the increasing, worsening and horrible conditions on Earth, humanity left and terraformed Terra (Although It's never mentioned)

So...here's the prologue...
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"Lynx?" Seiyu waved her arm over her younger brother's face. "Lynx?" She asked, only to get no response. "OK..." Seiyu quietly grabbed Lynx's pillow from underneath his head.

"What?" Lynx scratched his eyes as he felt his head plop on to the bed. "Time to get up, you bozo!" Seiyu explained, "Don't say you forgot what today is? It's your first day of High School!" Lynx pushed his hair back.

"Yeah..Yeah.." Lynx quickly grabbed his ball cap from his night table. He put it on his head so his hair would become flat. "Yeah..OK..Just give me a ride, OK?" Lynx asked as he pushed the covers away from his body.

"Fine." Seiyu slammed the door on the way out. Lynx gazed around his room. He forced himself off of his bed and made his way towards the photo on his desk. He grabbed it and stared at it for a few moments. "Mom...Dad." Lynx muttered as he placed the photo back down. "Now off to Cecilia Point!" Lynx exclaimed as he bolted out the door and down the stairs leading to the garage. He had slept in the clothes he would be wearing the night before so there was no reason for him to change.
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"Sir.." The bulky man entered the room. The room was dark. The only other people in the room were his master's two servants. "He's not here right now." One of them spoke, replying with a mechanical tone in her voice. "He's out attending his first observation of the subject." The female spoke, still standing in the same spot. "Oh.." The man replied as he gazed around the dark room.

There was a throne in the center. That's where the other two people were standing. The bulky man felt a dark feeling. Almost demonic. "OK..I'll be leaving.." He whispered as he quickly left the room like a mouse being chased by a cat. The presence in the room got darker.

A voice echoed throughout the room, it seemed snake like in the sense it hissed. "So..You got rid of that one easily." It hissed. "Master!" The two females replied as the quickly shifted their attention to the back of the room and knelled. "So.." The voice was heavier now. "Where is Vail?" The voice asked, as the hissing continued. "Oh..Lord Vail? He went to observe Amali." The first female replied, still in a machine like voice. "Perfect..." Three voices said in unison.

As the voices spoke, the ground seemed to shake. "Perfect..Brothers, is our plan not going according to plan?" One of the voices laughed as a snake-like neck appeared from the darkness. The neck was soon followed by a frilled head. That was followed by horns at the upper top. The head seemed curved and unnatural. The eyes were located on the sides of the head. Slightly below that, was a jaw of deadly sharp fangs. Three of these heads were in the room. That was when a large, dark, two footed body appeared connected to these heads....

END CHAPTER:
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So what did you think of the prologue? All comments are welcome. If you don't know what I was trying to describe in the chapter, it's a Hydra. :huh:

The characters powers remind me of Blue Dragon.

I felt as if your description of the "hydra" wasnt articulated. It felt as if the description ran on to long and didnt give the reader a great picture of the character. If you condensed it i feel that it would be better.

When the voices spoke you should say that the ground shook, not after they spoke. Sounds like it was tacked on at the end.

Strange story. Didn't like it much.

To long. lol only problem!

Neo, he did say that he was writing a story. So unless every book you have ever read in school was a picture book, with a sentence or two, or it was a short story, then stories will have a tendency to be long.

What were you expecting anyway?

This area is for members to post their literature, for either the enjoyment of others, or critique. And by critique, I mean legitimate and constructive critique, such as that EG had posted before you. You said that it was a "strange story" well, what may I ask, made the story so strange to you? What didn't you like about it? What would you change about it? These are examples you should include in your critique as opposed to "Strange story. Didn't like it much.

To long. lol only problem!"

By now it is obvious that all you are doing is spamming to get your post count up, and so, again, if you've nothing relevant to offer to a topic, then simply do not post.

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Anyway, onto the critique..

Exia, I thought your story was very well written, but you might want to work on your first chapters' intro and your story's synopsis as a whole.

For your synopsis, you need to have something that will grab your reader's attention, keep it, and then make them want to read your story. Think of how they show trailers for new movies, or commercials for the next episode of a tv show at the end of the one you just watched. Your description should follow the same criteria. You should indicate the story's title when you first mention it in your synopsis and stop saying "the story" when making reference to it later on. Unless, of course, if you were going into where the story takes place. The reader is already aware that it is a story because you have already indicated that it is one.

Is Terra is a new planet of some sort? Is it being built, or was it discovered because Earth's condition is worsening? If so, then the first thing you might want to change the name to something other than "Terra." You are correct when you said that Terra is another term for "Earth" and so, when you imply that "Terra" is a different entity, which is what you did in the last part of your outline, and that conditions on Earth are dire, then that will leave the reader confused.. they won't know whether you are talking about the same place, or a different one altogether.

It would be confusing because let's say that "Terra" is a new planet, from the readers' perspective, you'd then be saying that "Earth is a new planet, and that conditions on Earth are dire." If you were to change the name to say, "Ceres" (whose name originates from the dwarf planet in our Solar System) then, again, from the readers' perspective, it would come across like this. "Ceres is a new planet, and that conditions on Earth are dire."

I am still not sure on what you mean when you say that

Is there any way you can elaborate? I think I have an idea of what you are saying, but I won't know if it is correct unless you expand upon it.

Another reason you might want to change the name is because of the word, terraformed. The word itself is not the problem, however, it doesn't flow well when placed in the same sentence as the word "Terra." The description or synopsis, is where you should mention why conditions on Earth are so horrible, and what significance "Terra" has to the story. If "Terra" is so important to the story, that you actually mentioned it in the synopsis, then you should also provide any information about it that would tell the reader why it is so important to the story.

The part where you delve into Lynx's abilities, are you saying that only he can summon the phoenix, and that his friends also possess mysterious abilities?

If I were to re-write your description, I'd likely write it as:

For the intro to the first chapter, you should provide some brief detail as to where your characters are located, and where the chapter is taking place, instead of simply jumping right into the story. Your intro as it is, is fine for the second chapter and onward. However, for the first chapter, it will leave your readers wondering where the setting is taking place, and it may leave them confused. You don't need to provide new info as to where your characters are UNLESS they change settings either mid-chapter, or in a new chapter.

Otherwise, if after the first chapter, your characters are in the same setting for the next chapter or two, then it is fine to just jump right into the story (from the second chapter onward) since the reader already has an idea of where the scene is taking place after reading the intro to the very first chapter. This way your story will have a seamless flow from one chapter to the next.

Anyway, that is all the critque I have for now, and so far your story is very well written, and is interesting. Keep up the good work. :)