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Ok, so I'm trying to make an original story and fall away from writing fan fictions now. This is part of the first chapter to the story and I'd like to know what you guys think, be honest because I need honesty to improve. Make some suggestion. I'd like to lengthen the beginning and actually make it about four paragraphs to begin but I need some ideas of what to put there and such.
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Crudely he shifted his position on the bed as the moisture in the air continued to dance around. Such an annoyance, he thought. The sky was still dark with a blanket of darkness and his vision was skewed much by the odd position that he lay, himself staring blankly through the window that was in front of him. His dilated eyes stared as the calmness of night shifted with a heavy wind. No doubt a storm.
He closed his eyes once more, trying to place himself at a moment of rest. His mind defocused as the surrounding became louder with pouring rain. He’d been too zoned out by that time to even recognize the growing disturbances however, most likely preoccupied by one of his mindless thoughts that would drift and alter to a dream if his head could simply fall asleep… No… That wouldn’t happen, not now. A knock somewhere was a quick disturbance. From what he’d gathered, the door, but he was too dazed to tell.
“Leo…” The voice of a child called his name… It repeated itself again, a little worried out of habit, “Leo… Leonard…” Finally he shrugged off the exhaustion and forced himself to get up.
Leonard slipped his body off the bed with a roll, a large bang following from the impact to the floor. That was a quick wake-up call, and one needed for his moment. His eyes jolted to the position of the door as his name was said once more. An uttered annoyance is what he thought it was. Why continue to praise his name continually when he didn’t answer? It made him wonder what could be so important. However, it wasn’t as if it really changed anything, his night had already been ruined with an induement of stress. He decided then, he’d push his body up; see what was requested, and then go back to sleep no matter what the purpose of this disturbance.
His brown hair shifted past his eyes as his arms carried him up and soon he was at level with his full height. Leonard, with his right arm, moved it toward his eye and started to rub. A quick yawn followed by a quick answer signaled his call to be awake, “I’m up…” A monotone set his answer up as if he was only half listening. He sighed this time, walking closer to the fine polished door, almost tripping on the side of his bed in his exhaustion and the shadows. Intently, he poised his hand on the knob of his door and twisted it. A wretched sound crept out… The screech that he hated so much on the rusty old thing. He struggled for two seconds to open it, then quickly pulling it lose to see his little brother, standing with a candle in the open stretch of the hall. He made a slight smile as he leaned on the open door, practically causing it to slam shut, sending echoes throughout the domain. I hope father doesn’t wake from this, he thought.
“So… Why’d you wake me up?” Leonard stared down at his brother, looking at a troubled face below. The face of sorrow covered his eyes as he struggled to find the words. Leo became slightly troubled, but he knew his brother was always one to be overly emotional, except he’d never wake someone in the night without a reason.
“It’s father…” The small voice almost choked on his tears as he tried to be strong, tried not to show his discomfort, “He’s sick.” “Where’s mother?” Leo’s voice quickly raised and in the moment his face of fatigue seemed to slip away.
“She’s in the room with him right now… She told me to come get you.”
“Let’s go then.” Leonard made haste past his brother, moving quickly through the hallway. It was a new feeling, this distress he had. His father was sick and his legs were trembling. From what it sounded it like, he was severely sick.
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